Naming the Brand Grand Prize Winners

After 18 months of sham session, model mock-ups, leaks and misdirection, half-hearted licensing discussions, and frantic trademark filings, the Washington soccer franchise has lastly unveiled Commanders as the brand new workforce model.

To overview the highlights of the Model Journey to this point, within the Summer time of 2020, as civil unrest raged throughout America’s cities, the workforce’s main company sponsors offered an ultimatum to majority proprietor, Dan Snyder, that the Redskins title needed to go. Redskins was changed by momentary placeholder Washington Soccer Crew, and the Model Journey was launched.

In the course of the intervening 18 months, we have been assured that the workforce would seek the advice of with followers, neighborhood members and key stakeholders to give you a brand new model idea that had broad enchantment and would symbolize each the DMV area and the Redskins’ legacy.

That session course of recognized Redwolves as a transparent fan favourite. Sadly, we have been instructed, it turned out to be unviable as a result of trademark limitations. Sure, my pals, we have been led to imagine {that a} man who has spent the higher a part of the final 23 years settling sexual harassment complaints, battling with minority house owners and suing metropolis newspapers, was afraid to tackle mighty Arkansas State on the US Patent and Trademark Workplace.

Quickly, nevertheless, we began listening to from workforce insiders that followers would actually love the brand new title and jerseys. The ultimate reveal, scheduled for the auspicious event of Groundhog Day didn’t disappoint, if solely as a result of the brand new title had been revealed the day earlier than by an NBC information chopper that caught imaginative and prescient of Commanders gear being unloaded in a warehouse, or the truth that most of us noticed it coming for months prematurely.

Let me simply say, proper right here, that it’s implausible {that a} professional session course of got here up with Commanders. Polling and fan reactions have persistently proven that it was not a preferred choice. We don’t know for a truth how they got here up with the brand new model, however it appears logical to invest that somebody, maybe the proprietor, picked Commanders and ran with it. What does appear clear, as confirmed by reactions to the title reveal, is that the Model Journey was a hoax.

However, I’m positive that almost all of you’re as enthusiastic about Commanders as I’m. Hey, it might have been worse, proper? That seems to be the theme of the following part of the branding rollout that we are able to look ahead to over the approaching months. I couldn’t think about {that a} advertising workforce with even half a mind amongst them would stick with Joe Theismann’s line, “If they win, fans will like it,” which appears to be pretty self-limiting contemplating the workforce’s W-L document over the earlier twenty years and alter underneath present possession.

I, for one, look ahead to the practically boundless alternatives that Commanders gives to mock and mock the inept entrance workplace workforce for so long as we’re compelled to endure them. In that state of mind, and with crystal-ball-level clairvoyance, a couple of weeks in the past I launched the Naming the Model Problem.

The Grand Problem was to counsel a reputation that’s indirectly humorous, but when taken significantly would nonetheless be a greater workforce title than the one revealed on Groundhog Day. Now that Punxsutawney Phil has retreated into his burrow, predicting six extra weeks of winter, it’s time to reveal the winner, no, wait, …winners.

Photograph by Rob Carr/Getty Pictures

Grand Problem Winners Reveal

The Hogs Haven readers’ response to the Grand Problem was overwhelming. If one factor turned clear it’s that, as a gaggle, this discussion board has way more creativity and originality than the Washington NFL franchise might ever dream of. There have been so many nice entries, and I had such a tough time deciding amongst the ultimate 4 entries, that I made a decision to award three prizes as an alternative of only one.

Let’s begin with the Honorable Mentions, which I’ve organized into theme teams.

MIBV denotes judges’ commentary.

Honorable Mentions

Honoring the Navy

Contestant: HTTR86

Purple Coats

As this franchise now not represents something to be pleased with and since they’re going army theme it ought to be the theme of the Monarchy that was thrown in a foreign country. It retains Purple and ends in S like each workforce within the NFL so it really works, might even create a rivalry with the Patriots!

Contestant: Osteoporosis2

The Snyder Seaman (sic)

as a result of that’s what Wright has throughout him

MIBV: I feel this was supposed to be Seamen. It might be nice to have a reputation that honors the crusing males who battle at sea to maintain our nation secure, moderately than the Admirals stationed in Arlington. I feel there may need been a pun right here. I don’t know what that’s about.

Contestant: TheGump

Washington Bonapartes

Named after the famed French army normal Napoleon, regarded as a genius in some components however extra usually as a brief, fats, petty tyrant. The emblem would make the most of the bicorne hat, and branding prices could be near zero as I discovered a ready-made, licensable one on-line. The brand new nickname additionally has the added wordplay good thing about being misspelled as “boner components”, fairly apt for a workforce with such a sordid current historical past.

Contestant: Slope69

The DC Snipers

Hog Theme

Contestant: CraigSkins

The OHGs

Hogs spelled sideways. Stands for: Opponents Dwelling Recreation.

Contestant: BarNunn

The Bay of Hogs

Honors one of many nice US army fiascos, which might be a extra applicable analogy to the workforce’s current historical past than some nice victory.

Contestant: Invoice-in-Bangkok

The Sweathogs

Contestant: shellcore

Worthogs

MIBV: A double win for old-fashioned Reskins followers – combines our most well-liked title with everybody’s favourite recreation time beverage.

Don’t Overthink It – Redskins

Contestant: SKINDEMBOYS

The DMV Redskins

Final flexibility in selecting a brand new stadium web site. The title controversy was actually all about “Washington.” Embraces the complete space as an alternative of apply in Va, Video games in Maryland, and claiming Washington.

Contestant: PorkButz & Inexperienced Deans

Washington Skins

We are able to preserve the heritage and simply play shirtless.

Photograph by © Wally McNamee/CORBIS/Corbis by way of Getty Pictures

DMV Tradition and Historical past

Contestant: CNMN

The Gayes

Marvin Gaye was additionally born in DC; socially progressive title and singer; aren’t all of us asking “What’s Going On?”

Contestant: ShahShahS21T

The DC Mumbo Sauce Slathered Half Smokes

Contestant: Marook!

DC Cool Disco Dans

MIBV: This one would possibly simply enchantment to the proprietor; little does he know. Additional factors for making a selected request for a steak on the Breakfast Creek Resort, one in every of round 4 pubs that declare to have the most effective steak in Brisbane, and a keg of XXXX Bitter Ale, the Beer Up Right here, which isn’t a bitter ale in any respect and is definitely a beer with a pelleted hop taste paying homage to the odor of fruit bat urine, one of many extra recognizable aromas of the Southeast Queensland area.

Contestant: Mr Social gathering

Minor Threats

One of many best punk bands in DC historical past.

Dan Snyder is a snot-nosed punk.

The workforce presents a really minor risk to its opponents, placing up little or no battle.

Authorities and Politics

Contestant: Godeau

Washington Corruption

MIBV: If we didn’t need to play good with these items, I would like this as a workforce title. Significantly.

Contestant: Hearth&Rice

Washington Redtape (a.ok.a. Washington Forms)

Contestant: RFKstomp

The Washington Regulators

As a result of, you understand, DC does that. Extra importantly we get to maintain HTTR ,and as a bonus, get to play Warren G’s traditional anthem at begin of residence video games…

Contestant: Kylo Pores and skin

Swamp Factor

Creature from nightmares. Washington was principally a swamp and is sometimes called such in present politics. Additionally it is one thing from DC Comics, so one other tie.

Actual Trademark Points

Contestant: KW 82-87-91

Washington Purple Bulls

Consider all of the advertising potential, permits the phrase purple, and similar to ingesting an excessive amount of Purple Bull, watching this workforce retains us up all night time

Contestant: LucasO

Grand Prize Entry: Washington Nice Dans

In a considerably unintentional patent submitting mishap, the group omits the “e” in Nice Danes. And the remainder is historical past.

Hating on the Proprietor

Contestant: Soup Dad

DC Danny’s Flaming Deuces

Contestant: KyleSmithforGM

Washington Malignant Dwarves

MIBV: The final word WMD!

Contestant: Noplayoffs4u

We Suck and Jack Kent Cooke Hates YOU

who you’re.

Contestant: Twice Thriced

The Washington Non-Disclosure Agreements

An Supply Too Good to Refuse

Contestant: scalp-bearer

Washington Warpath

P.S. Matt, often I drink a lot that it could result in enuresis. Are you able to get look previous that and let the chips fall the place they might?

You Thought It Couldn’t Get Worse Than Wizards

Contestant: Knighthawk

Washington Magicians

We make followers disappear!

You Can’t Identify a Crew That

Contestant: ShahShahS21T

The DC Pimps

· clearly for the therapy of the cheerleaders throughout the scandal and principally treating some like escorts

· for offering a skanky product to the soccer equal of “determined johns” and taking their cash

· for treating this complete fanbase like a bunch of bitches and ho’s

Contestant: aFan4Life

Crack Mayors

The “Crack Mayors” was the most effective humorous title I’ve seen however since another person got here up with it I’m not going to make a publish with it on this thread.

MIBV: Fairly positive this one was my invention. It’s nice to be acknowledged in a single’s personal time. Commemorates an incredible second in DC historical past. followers ought to lookup the documentary on the topic by Chris Rock entitled “Mayor’s on the Pipe”

Animal Names

Contestant: Figpucker

Grand Prize Entry: Washington Warfare Canine

Not a humorous one so most likely doesn’t apply right here however provides a nod to the army whereas sticking with an animal theme and a bonus as a pack animal. Glorious article on the historical past of them as properly: https://www.akc.org/expert-advice/news/war-dogs-military-history/

MIBV: Truly, it’s. There may be multiple that means. I might be OK with this because the precise workforce title.

Contestant: bent99

Grand Prize Entry: Washington Ok-9s

Take that Timberwolves.

Contestant: shellcore

Dances with Wolves

(Dan Says with Wolves)

Contestant: 1052skins

Blue Herons

MIBV: Make it Nice Blue Herons and we might undoubtedly do worse. Commanders, for instance.

Contestant: Siris

Groundhogs

MIBV: It was staring us within the face the entire time. Rattling trademark!

Contestant: Gloryhog

Grand Prize Entry: The Washington Rhinos

The Fearsome Beast, not the Republican sort. HTTR.

MIBV: I like two issues about this entry. First Rhinos, the animal, is a greater title for a soccer workforce than a lot of the choices the workforce appears to have thought-about. Second, people who find themselves inclined to see all the pieces by way of a political lens would most likely be offended by it.

Contestant: Pengusagustus

The Washington Phoenix

Symbolically represents the dying of the Redskins and rebirth as one thing else. Brand is a burning white home in reference to The Warfare of 1812. It will get additional credit score as a result of the workforce can simply re-locate to Phoenix to be Arizona’s 2nd workforce when the fanbase is lowered to ashes.

MIBV: I like the concept of first claiming that we couldn’t have the fan’s most well-liked title as a result of trademark limitations after which naming the workforce after one other metropolis with an NFL franchise.

An Precise Good Identify Suggestion

Contestant: Yard Elf

The Washington Gents

MIBV: This one has grown on me as a critical title suggestion. I additionally like Yard Elves.

Photograph by Jonathan Newton / The Washington Publish by way of Getty Pictures

Runners Up

Contestant: Eboracum

Washington Purple Menace

We get “purple” within the title and sound kinda scary, whereas evoking an embarrassing time in our nationwide historical past and implying we’re communist sympathizers.

MIBV: Purple Menace commemorates an incredible second within the Nation Capital’s historical past, led by a Senator Joseph McCarthy, whose title has develop into synonymous with propriety and decency. It additionally retains Purple within the title, and is certain to intimidate these followers and gamers on opposing groups who worry the return of communism, doubtlessly reinvigorating the rivalry with America’s workforce, and possibly opening up a brand new entrance towards the Patriots. Somebody in WFT headquarters did seem like enamored with adopting the Folks’s Crew moniker, and nothing would go higher with that than a drift to communism.

Contestant: MrParty

Hog Shaven

In a nod to the world’s best web site, the workforce strikes into the area in Hogs Haven and adopts a straight razor-wielding pig as its mascot. Combining the artwork of shaving with everybody’s favourite porcine mascot additionally permits the workforce to surreptitiously horn in on the favored Razorback model.

MIBV: Hog Shaven deftly accomplishes one thing that WFT failed to realize, interesting to younger and previous followers alike. The Hogs theme is a favourite of older followers. Shaving will enchantment to youthful followers, hipsters to be exact, who spend method an excessive amount of money and time on their facial hair. The chance to advertise Hogs Haven on the nationwide stage could be a dream come true, besides possibly for these of us writers who’ve moved abroad underneath assumed identities.

Contestant: Akolaja

Washington Ron Burgundies

MIBV: When Dan Snyder had his well-known epiphany, aided by legendary Redskins coach Joe Gibbs and a panel of soccer greats, he ushered in a brand new coach-centric strategy with Ron Rivera appointed to steer the transformation to a successful tradition. Why not cement that by elevating his franchise savior to the standing of workforce namesake? Good factor this didn’t occur when Jim Zorn was the top coach, proper? Additionally, retains Purple within the title, form of. The one slight ding is that I’m probably not seeing the humor angle. Nonetheless, it’s an incredible title suggestion.

Contestant: birdbrain77

The Feds

MIBV: The Feds, not The Fed, is a nickname for federal regulation enforcement. It actually hit its peak of foreign money within the early to mid-twentieth century, when the FBI was waging conflict towards organized crime. At first it looks like a humorous title suggestion. But when you concentrate on it, it honors an incredible custom of brave federal brokers like Elliot Ness’s Untouchables (additionally an attention-grabbing selection). The Feds actually ticks each containers for the competition. There was a USFL workforce named the Federals. That could be a utterly totally different title and it was 40 years in the past, so no person cares.

Contestant: Proposition_Joe

Redskins

I’m nonetheless pondering Danny does the final word F U to Goodell, the professionally offended cancel tradition; and unveils the helmet with the Redskin brand and banner with the title ‘Redskins’!

After which I awoke

MIBV: This entry got here very near successful the entire contest.

To me, this state of affairs is pure want fulfilment, however most likely not for a similar purpose as PropositionJoe recommended it. Think about the shitstorm of public outrage and alienation of all key stakeholders that will rain down upon Dan Snyder if he had introduced on the title reveal that they have been going again to Redskins. There could be nowhere left to cover and nothing even essentially the most high-priced McKinsey consultants might do to save lots of him.

To understand the fantastic thing about this state of affairs it is very important keep in mind one key level. It was the WFT’s main company sponsors who compelled the title change, out of branding considerations, not a bunch of outraged celebrities on social media, and undoubtedly not Roger Goodell. If you’ll recall, on the time Goodell and the NFL have been placing their necks on the road to provide Dan Snyder cowl by burying the Wilkinson report.

This adolescent act of self-destruction would render the Washington franchise radioactive to company sponsors and virtually actually drive the NFL to lastly do the correct factor with respect to its most troublesome present proprietor. The WFT’s branding drawback would develop into the NFL’s branding drawback. There isn’t any method the NFL might presumably endorse Redskins-branded merchandise in 2022.

That is about the one method I might see a change of possession in our lifetimes, in need of the continuing investigations turning up proof of legal exercise. Come on Congressional Oversight Committee! Dig deep, dig exhausting, subpoena Bruce Allen!

Photograph by Bradley Kanaris/Getty Pictures

Bronze Medal

The Bronze Medal winner receives a complete pot of XXXX Bitter Ale at any Pub within the Brisbane Metropolitan Space, redeemable any time. What the hell, I’ll even throw in some sizzling chips. On me.

Contestant: dg28

The Washington Privates

· Navy theme, test (solely the bottom rank for the one of many lowest rating groups)

· Brand: the Washington Monument with two helmets on the base

· Endorsements: Dick’s Sporting Items and Johnson Fencing

· HTTR turns into HTTP, so all the pieces on the web is said to the workforce, additional feeding Snyder’s ego

MIBV: I can now reveal that the Bronze and Silver medalists have been in a lifeless warmth for first place from the day I opened the Naming the Model Problem till the precise model reveal, when a shock entrant emerged from the trailing pack with a shocking dash to overhaul the 2 leaders on the end line. Extra in regards to the Naming the Model Journey later.

What I like about this entry is that it corrects what I see as a elementary flaw with Commanders, and some of the opposite purported semifinal choices, corresponding to Admirals and Presidents. The WFT has hinted that it needed to do a couple of various things with the brand new title. One was to honor the army, which Commanders achieves.

One other was to enchantment broadly to the rank and file followers, together with the massive variety of army service personnel stationed all through the DMV area. Wouldn’t it’s higher to acknowledge the women and men who truly do the preventing for our nation, moderately than the desk jockeys who occupy primo workplace area within the Pentagon and do lunch on the officers’ membership?

Privates accomplishes what the WFT didn’t do. As an added bonus, no opposing fan would ever dare to disrespect the troops by mocking the workforce’s title. The advertising tie-ins virtually promote themselves, and by the identical authorized reasoning that excluded RedWolves as an choice, Dan Snyder would have the ability to declare possession of the complete web by way of his trademark on the brand new cheering slogan, HTTP!

Photograph by Jono Searle/Getty Pictures

Silver Medal

The silver medalist receives their selection of a day on the cricket or tickets to a Brisbane Broncos rugby league recreation at Suncorp Stadium, with drinks and meals included redeemable any time in Brisbane.

Contestant: Abu Coltrane

Capitol Riots

MIBV: Quick, candy and to the purpose. No explanatory textual content wanted.

There are two issues I like about this title.

First, it commemorates one of the crucial vital occasions within the nation’s capital’s historical past. Nicely not only one actually. With just a little editorial license, permitting the ‘o’ in Capitol to be an ‘a’, this title provides recognition to Washington DC’s wealthy custom of rioting. There have been a minimum of 5 traditionally vital riots in Washington DC: The 1919 race riot, the riots after Martin Luther King’s assassination in 1968, the 1971 Vietnam Warfare protest riots, rioting at Donald Trump’s inauguration in 2017, and naturally the precise Capitol Riot on January 6, 2021, marking the primary time {that a} hostile drive had breached the US Capitol’s defenses because the British Redcoats sacked DC within the Warfare of 1812.

The workforce has stated that it needed the title to narrate to the DMV area’s historical past and tradition. I feel Capitol Riots goes past merely commemorating a selected occasion or a set of occasions. It celebrates the American democratic establishment of political expression, which finds no purer embodiment than busting stuff up and being clubbed by police.

Moreover, it’s inclusive. If we glance by way of DC’s historic riots, we are able to see rioters from all walks of life and each level within the political spectrum. Fairly merely, there’s something right here for everybody to hate. And isn’t that what the political lifetime of our nation’s capital is all about? If we’re after a reputation that captures the zeitgeist of DC because the seat of American democracy within the twenties, Capitol Riots is it.

Secondly, what provides Capitol Riots the sting over third place finisher Privates is that I truly suppose that Riots could be a great title for a soccer workforce. Perhaps not Capitol Riots, however presumably DC Riots or Washington Riots. It’s not simply higher than Commanders, like Purple Hogs, Pandas, Cherry Blossoms or Chupacabras would have been. It’s truly a great title.

If I needed to get actually choosy, it’s most likely higher suited to curler derby than soccer. In reality, I might be stunned if there’s not already a curler derby workforce with the title {metropolis title} Riots. However, it’s nonetheless a a lot better title for a soccer workforce than Commanders. Significantly, I might take Cherry Blossoms.

Grand Prize Winner

The Grand Prize winner is entitled to an evening out in town in Brisbane, Australia, all bills paid* by the Naming the Model Problem Company, LLC, redeemable any time between now and the week following the closing ceremony of the 2032 Olympic Video games.

*Journey to and from Brisbane and lodging not included

Contestant: Anubis31

Washington Wannabees

They Wannabee good just like the 80’s and 90’s

They Wannabee Champs

They wannabee High of NFC East

MIBV: In contrast to the Commies’ entrance workplace, I can preserve a secret. I can now reveal true info of the Naming the Model Journey (additionally in contrast to the Commies’ entrance workplace) which were dutifully saved underneath wraps till now. Up till the Commanders title was formally revealed, this entrant was not even on my quick listing. It was not till I mirrored upon the brand new title and the apparent lies instructed to us about its origins by the proprietor’s legions of sycophants and company lackeys that I got here to understand simply how good it’s.

Wannabees cuts by way of the company spin of the Model Journey to disclose the underlying reality. The Commanders title is nothing greater than a feeble try at stolen valor. Each Dan Snyder and Ron Rivera have nice reverence for the armed forces and one or each seem to have been behind the push to have a reputation that “honors the army”. Ron Rivera, we all know, was raised a army brat. Dan, I suppose, simply loves a person in uniform, and notably a commanding officer.

Neither Ron, nor Dan, has ever served within the army. Wannabees appropriately acknowledges the push to honor the army as an try for the workforce to bask within the mirrored glory of the courageous women and men who put their lives on the road to defend our freedom. In Ron’s case, that appears to be coming from a real respect for army service instilled by his father, Eugenio Rivera, who served for 32 years as a chief warrant officer within the US Military.

I’m positive that Dan Snyder additionally has a honest respect for servicemen and ladies, however there would possibly simply be just a little self-interest concerned as properly. Setting apart the propaganda about consulting with the fanbase, what the Model Journey is absolutely about is a non-public company’s seek for a brand new trademark.

Trademark is an mental property proper, granting the holder an unique proper to commerce underneath a specific model image. It’s primarily a industrial proper. The time period mostly used when a enterprise workouts its mental property rights for industrial acquire is “exploit.” Get the image? Dan is all about exploiting the army to promote jerseys, and enhance ticket gross sales.

To proceed Anubis31’s prepare of thought:

Ron Rivera wannabe an incredible chief of males.

Dan Snyder wannabe wealthy and properly revered.

Commies followers wannabe rid of those clowns.

Photograph by John McDonnell/The Washington Publish by way of Getty Pictures

Congratulations to the competition winner, finalists and runners up, and thanks to all of the contestants and commenters who made this a variety of enjoyable.

Now, can we get again to speaking about quarterbacks?

Acknowledgement: Edited by James Dorsett. Lead artwork credit score to @dnytle